Initially I wasn't going to blog about this, but only because I've been in this inner turmoil over it, I figured I'd better. I guess if I don't get it out in the open, I may never be able to move on.
Have you ever disappointed someone that you cared for? I mean "really" disappointed them? Even if you didn't intentionally mean to, but it happened anyway? What did you do? I've been going crazy beating myself up about something that I did that disappointed someone that I care for. Even though, part of the punishment has been dealt out (and why does the bruises hurt less than my heart) I still have this wretched feeling? I'm irritable and easily upset because it really bothers me that I could disappoint him as I did. I guess I question my own character and think to myself, "who wants to be around a person who is a disappointment?" OK, maybe I get carried away with my thoughts, but the thought still did cross my mind. A lot of thoughts have crossed my mind (as you can tell).
At any rate, I disappointed someone I care about deeply and regardless of the fact that I will NEVER do that again, why do I still feel so bad? Like I previously mentioned, part of the punishment was dealt out. I was assigned 500 strokes with whatever he choose. Initially when he started with this particular punishment, my head was thinking, ok here we go.... But after counting past 150, everything hurt. And he hadn't confirmed that this was the beginning of the punishment. So far, I had deduced that this was it. Swimming in my own pity, I cried about the pain...I cried about the humiliation. Then he stopped and asked me, "Are you crying because it hurt, or are you crying because you just figured out what this was for?" The most amazing thing happened after that statement. After answering, "I know what this is for", I was so angry at myself and what I had done to disappoint him. Every stroke after that I counted as quickly as I could and I just did everything that I could to absort the pain. I didn't care how much it hurt, I wanted it to hurt more. I wanted to be the one with the cane, or the strap or the paddle hitting myself. At one point, I couldn't even remember what number I was on....and I didn't care if we started over...in fact, I even suggested that we start over because I couldn't remember. It wasn't my choice and I wanted it to be.
After 300 fell, he gave me an option. I could take my 200 later or take them now...it was my choice. I fell silent. In my head I weighed the options carefully. Had I beat myself up enough or had I the need to continue? I took the offer and even though part of me wanted it to continue...I'm glad with my decision. But at what price? He may still be disappointed and even though I'll never be stupid enough to let that happen again....it could, in fact, happen again. I wish that I had a guarantee, but I have to have faith in myself. Something that I'm still learning to do. I just hope he knows how truly sorry I am and that I will NEVER do that again.
~funny brat girl
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2 comments:
FBG,
All you can do is apologize (which you did), set things right again (which you are doing), and move on (which I hope you will do).
There really is nothing else.
Big hugs,
Bonnie
well... Okay, actually, I feel a lil bit sad after reading this. Everyone would disappoint someone in their lives. of cuz, you would disappoint someone who you care about, and love. it just happens sometimes. I sometimes hurt or disappointed my "daddy" too, and then I apologized, and took my BIG spankings, and massage his back and neck.
I understand that sometimes even you got punished for something, but you still felt guilty about it. I understand that, because I always feel that way. I just could not forget it, and could not forgive myself. However, life is short. let something pass and move on.
hope you feel better!!!!! btw, dont take that harsh spanking, cuz spanking is spanking, 500 strokes are really a LOT!!!!!!!
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